i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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