she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
