when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Damn victory sex feels great
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
