Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
