Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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