Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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