I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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