Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We need to rekindle our bromance
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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