i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
