Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
