pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
