were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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