Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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