Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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