got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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