Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
