Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I need moral support for this bender
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
