my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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