At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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