oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
