I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
false alarm. still invincible.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
