i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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