Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
