he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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