ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
