I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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