I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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