can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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