Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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