There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
