The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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