Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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