what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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