I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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