onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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