I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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