u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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