and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my phone needs a breathalizer
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My legs feel like baby dolphins
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
