On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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