"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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