My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
