it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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