OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
