I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
