This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
