who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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