My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
