Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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