Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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