Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My bed smells like the plague
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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