I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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