no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
