I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
