mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
