I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
