you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
