Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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