turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All I want is dick and wine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
