it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
They have beer where we have blood.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
